“Eventually, I realized that I was not even more sad”

“2012 has started. Since I was 19, had just finished my OJ and I’m to Bonn to study there. I moved into a shared flat with people I knew only fleetingly.

As the Uni went off, I felt a new nervousness: I was afraid when I left the house in the morning, afraid of the Lectures, fear of not find a connection, to not be cool enough to create all of this. It was so bad that I started to skip events.

I isolated myself, spent a lot of time in bed. I was even overwhelmed in order to go shopping, If I stand at the checkout in the supermarket, rose to panic and I had to leave the Shop immediately – I was so mad.

I’ve tried to leave me with nothing to say. My parents* I told that the Uni makes me fun, I go regularly and everything is great. It was nothing super.

Then the sleep started problems. I was often up for 48 hours straight, without doing anything. Most of the time I just lay there, tossing and turning and looked into the Void. I was not tired. I had not been able to get up an extremely strong inner turmoil, and on the other side of the feeling, because my legs would not carry me.

Depressed people are affected by their disease in their entire life. It is not, or is difficult to manage to cope with everyday tasks, they suffer from strong self-doubt, concentration problems, and grübel inclination.

Source: Guideline On Depression, The Federal Chamber Of Physicians

I was ashamed of crazy, as I don’t have to leave for a week in the bed. I was not, in the showers, always wore the same sweater. If someone asked, I said I had the flu, a Stomach. I thought this is more likely to be accepted as what just happened in me.

Eventually, I convinced myself that everything is due to the fact that I have chosen the wrong course, and that I just need to find what I really want. I dropped out of the study. First of all, I really was better, the pressure was gone.

After a break I applied again for study, was full of beans. The University of Duisburg has accepted me for sociology. I thought, now everything will be better.

As the Lectures went, the old patterns of behaviour: As it was in the testing phase, I felt again the panic. Me the power to Learn was missing. Instead, I spent a lot of time in bed.

Immediately I thought again: Studying is not Right for me. I was afraid of maniac Future, was now 23 and saw no perspective. Then I fell into a really deep hole.

Depressive disorders are among the most common and in terms of their Severity of most disorders assessed.

Source: Federal Ministry of health

I was not the only one, but several weeks in my apartment. The TV was on around the clock, because I needed the background noise to make me feel alone. Still, I felt terribly lonely. I took off 30 pounds because I had no appetite more. Sometimes I read all night long. It was like an escape into other stories. Just not my own life.

My apartment has degenerated into. My inner Chaos, my outer Chaos: I cleaned, cleaned, and my fancy was missing to all of this.

Until I realized at some point that I was once more sad. I just felt empty.

To some people report inner Emptiness and the inability to own feelings to perceive. You will feel like a stone.

Source: German Depression Help

Then the day that I thought came: I don’t know if I want to Wake up tomorrow. I just wanted it to stop. It was a Thursday. I sat down at my Desk and wrote a farewell letter.

I looked at her sitting there, and the letter, I realized what I was doing actually, just – and I don’t want to. The next Morning, I dragged myself with the last of his strength to my family doctor.

Depression are always of the feeling of being accompanied out of the Situation not to get out. Affected often see no way out.

Source: German Depression Help

He knew me, I trusted him. Since it all broke out of me. Before that, I always got to only hear sayings like “You need to get the ass” or “You’re lazy, you’ve always been lazy”. I thought the others are right, I need to rip only once.

My doctor has increased me very seriously and instructed me on the same day in a psychiatric hospital. When I heard this, I was scared at first. But I was also relieved because I was alone.

In the clinic, I got the final diagnosis: severe depressive Episode.

The most common forms of the Disease:

– Unipolar Depression: recurrent depressive episodes (in between depression-free episodes)

– Bipolar Depression: bipolar disorder (alternating between Depression and mania)

– Dysthymia: depressed mood for at least two years

Source: German Depression Help

I was three months in inpatient treatment. The first day was much. A lot of impressions, a new environment, the patients were no longer there. After a conversation with the head doctor, I was set on drugs: antidepressants and sleeping pills.

The first drug that was prescribed to me, not tolerated me. My hands were shaking, trembling, my legs, I got a head twitch of it. I switched to a different medication, which I take still. In the meantime I had sold it. But I realized that I’m not there yet. Meanwhile, I have learned that it would be okay to take it all my life. People with other disorders have to take medication on a regular basis.

According to estimates, about 350 million people worldwide suffer now Depression.

Source: Federal Ministry of health

After a few days in the hospital, I felt better already. It felt good to me to interact with people, which is just like me. To hear that others have the same thoughts, to not know, it is strange.

I think fondly back to the clinic time. In addition to all the grief and dealing with, we had a lot of fun. I was never alone. I was able to pull me back if I wanted, but I knew there always was someone.

Eventually, the day of my release came. I had tried to discuss with the head doctor to explain that I’m not there yet. But he stayed hard and said to me: “you must turn back to life and in everyday life, what you have learned here”.

I was quite prepared slowly to my dismissal, had to always sleep one night at home and a night in the hospital. If I stayed home, I knew that I was on the next day in the clinic. Then the day I should not come back any more came. It was okay.

That had really changed something, I realized, as I began to renovate my apartment. I have sorted, thrown away, deleted, new things bought, cabinets painted, all new made. At the end I felt completely at ease – I had created this for me. For the first Time, I had gained the feeling of being a piece of the daily routine and normality back and to have the bad memories behind me.


I made small steps back into life. The first time I tried to get back structure in the everyday, in the morning to get up, to shower, to Breakfast, to occupy myself with something Nice. I put also a sleep ritual, went shopping, took walks.

And there are still bad days. It helps me to know that you are passing.

More than 70 percent of the people Affected by the Depression returns during life again. The majority of relapses occur within six months after the completion of the acute treatment.

Source: German Depression Help

In therapy I am learning strategies to deal with the disease. Depression has a lot to do with acceptance. To accept the bad feelings, accept the past and to accept that it will probably remain all my life.”

*Lena Janssen didn’t want to take in the conversation with the MIRROR closer on the reactions of their social environment and their family.