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Sarah Wright Olsen is reflecting on her previous pregnancy loss.
The actress — who is currently expecting her third child with husband Eric Christian Olsen — opens up in a new pair of vlogs and accompanying blog post about her miscarriage late last year.
Sarah explains that her husband and their 6½-year-old son Wyatt Oliver were both present for an eight-week appointment after she first saw her baby's heartbeat at six and a half weeks along, and that she was "really excited" to share that moment with them as well.
But things took a sad turn when her medical team wasn't able to find a heartbeat at the eight-week appointment through a transvaginal ultrasound, and her doctor ultimately had to tell her, "The baby didn't make it."
"My ears are ringing, my eyes are filling with tears. And [the doctor]'s like, 'The first thing I want you to know is it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. This is just something that happens, and it's very common,' " says the former Parks and Recreation actress, 36.
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Sarah recalls feeling "sad" more so than wanting to blame herself, explaining that she had considered so much about the baby already like what the sex would be, what they would be like, their Zodiac sign, etc., and had started mentally "planning" for another child.
"It's a big disappointment, and then also it's just really something that's not in your control, so it just felt sad," she says. "And I felt a little bit lonely and [empty]."
The star went home and cried for two days, deciding to forgo an immediate dilation and curettage (D&C) surgery and to take time for herself first and focus on the "logical first."
"Someone told me that sometimes the little soul isn't ready and your body needs more time," Sarah writes in her accompanying blog post, adding in her video that despite the logic, she still "felt sad."
She also sought out her friend and Zen Mamas co-author Teresa Palmer, who has also experienced pregnancy loss and wrote about it in a chapter of their new book.
"As soon as I saw her face, I just burst into tears," Sarah recalls of their FaceTime session. "She just talked to me. And she told me that she loved me and that she knew that this was hard and that it's grief, you know? You're going through grief. You're losing something."
Sarah felt in "this weird place of limbo" in terms of her emotions because she hadn't technically miscarried yet, but says she felt "comforted" by going back and reading the chapter Palmer, 34, had written.
"When it happened to me, I was blindsided," she says. "And I think that's the part you just can't ever prepare for."
Sarah opted for the D&C over taking medication to help her pass the tissue at home, praising her medical team for being "so comforting" and saying she felt "really well taken care of" throughout the procedure.
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Both Wyatt and his little sister Esmé Olivia, 3½, were "sweet" and "very snuggly" with their mama following the harrowing process, after which Sarah and Eric, 42, used their son's love of architecture to help explain to him what had happened.
"My husband said, 'You know, it's like when an architect is creating a building. You start with a foundation — and you need a really good, really solid foundation. And then you start putting the pieces of the building together,' " she says. "We talked about how the foundation wasn't a good foundation, and so we just have to start over again, and the next time that we try will be the rainbow baby."
"We just talked about what a rainbow baby is and that we would have a brother or sister for them one day, but that it wasn't gonna be now and that we couldn't wait to tell them when that would happen again," Sarah adds. "And so he understood. He said he was sad — he really, really wanted another sibling."
"[Wyatt and Esmé] talked about the rainbow baby a lot," she says. "That was part of their process, was talking about the rainbow baby. [Esmé] would be like, 'Is the rainbow baby here yet?' I'd be like, 'Not yet. But I'll let you know. It's gonna take some time.' "
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Sarah focused a lot on "self-care" in the form of at-home yoga/barre sessions "to regain control of my body" because "everything felt really weak in my stomach," as well as meditation and Ayurvedic treatments — and she was "completely shocked" when she ended up getting pregnant the next cycle after her D&C.
The Bāeo co-founder says she was inspired to speak out about her experience to reach out to and connect with others who have faced a similar struggle.
"I hope this story helps anyone out there who is either going through this or has gone through this, or maybe you've gone through this before and you were never able to really process it or talk about it," she tells her viewers. "It's heavy, and it's a lot for people to process."
"It was a lot for Eric, too. He was excited about having a baby and he was really sad when this happened," Sarah says. "He had to go through and process these things too. And so being there for each other was very strengthening. I felt like the more we talked about it together, the stronger we felt, the more united we felt."
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